He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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