The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
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