We walked 2 miles, legit 2 miles, and purchased 7 half gallons. One for each of us. Intense
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
Randomize
