I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
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