Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
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