Down for casual relationships, more fun than catholic missionary, bring condoms and don't get attached.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Randomize
