trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
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