would you consider him our boss?
technically yes
then technically i slept with our boss
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
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