New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
Do you have any idea how hard it is to cum to Chingy?!
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
it's like heaven, but drunker
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
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