If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
Randomize
