Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
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