There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
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