Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
She's just a lonely cunt and i hope she stays that way for the rest of her fucking life.
This seems like an over reaction to someone eating your fries.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
Randomize
