Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
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you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
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I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
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