Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
Randomize
