New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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