we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
