4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
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