Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
hell yes lets make some ravioli
I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
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Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
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This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
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