i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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