you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
