I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
Randomize
