She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
Randomize
