my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
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