Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
I have no idea what her name is. I only remember putting my dick between her ass cheeks.
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
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