I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize
