My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
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