Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
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