I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
Randomize
