I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize
