Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
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