He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
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