i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
Randomize
