he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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