you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
