Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
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