I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
Randomize
