Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
Saved By The Bell: The College Years had it waaaay wrong on that one.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
We left an ass print on the piano.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
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