can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
you're letting him buy you a plane ticket...to kentucky...so you can fuck him?
i know. i'm only adding to the interstate sex trade problem.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
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