omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
walkin home..,.jsut saw the cheshire cat
watch out for the queen of hearts
fuucck i forgot ab her
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
