Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
You're a waste of cheezeits
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
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