: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
