I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
I plan on offering nudes to any guy that wants to give me notes from the past five weeks of class
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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