I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
Randomize
