I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
Randomize
