Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
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