I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
Whats the glycemic index on semen?
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
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