I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
4 of us. Guys and girls. Were sitting there discussing the passed out half naked Brit girl on the floor. She is no longer the international woman of mystery.
Randomize
