Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
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