What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
Randomize
