he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
Randomize
