dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
oh god was she eating orange peels again
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
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I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
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I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
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