I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
is her vagina suppost to smell like dirty taco bell?
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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