i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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