look no pants
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
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