ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
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