I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
Did you see Brett Michaels get knocked on his ass?
Hurt me personally.
Knocked his cowboy hat off... Bandanna was still good though
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
Randomize
