oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
