i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
then he tried to convert me to islam
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
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