Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
Randomize
