yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
