Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
this is the fourth time i've taken my clothes off for money this year. is that normal for the average college sophomore?
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
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